I have a longstanding tradition of killing crushes. No, not murdering the person, but stopping the feelings. For those who have encountered me, I’m a very INTENSE person. I like how Josh Bautista put it: “You’re not a person, you’re an experience.” The point is that these crushes are always intense and always one-sided.

When I was 16 I read “I kissed Dating goodbye,” and I resolved to quit the lifelong crushing habit: I meet a great, attractive guy, remind myself that I’m waiting, and thus look for holes in this dreamboat’s dreaminess that will disqualify him from the-one-ness. Because I have a specific list, it’s usually not hard.

Last year I said, “God, I’m tired. I’m tired of protecting myself and being my own defender. I’m tired and I’m worn out, so will You defend me instead?”

Earlier this year, after my dad said that being open to a relationship isn’t something you just turn on or off, I updated my prayer: “God, I’m defenseless. My walls are down, the drawbridge is lowered, the moat is drained, the spikes are hidden away and the dragon is sleeping. You better stand up for me, Lord!”

All has been well. God has been killing crushes for me left and right: I meet a great, attractive guy, tell God that I’m waiting so will He please do something about this crush, and the next day I find out this guy is engaged and off the proverbial market, and the feelings disappear. Other times because of other factors, the crush just dies a natural death.

Until now. Duggurnit. When I think about it I know that it just can' be "him" because it wouldn't make sense, but when he's in front of me, out comes that stupid smile that I can’t wipe of my goofy face. I have to consciously remind myself to turn it off. And breathe. I go to the bathroom and say to my reflection, “Cut it out, you sap! Think emo thoughts! Emo thoughts!”

That stupid smile refuses to hide in the corner. My twin told me to enjoy it or suffer…
My thorn in the flesh is a row of teeth, hopefully without green bits stuck in between them.

I don’t want to fall first.

truth thursday. check it out.