"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today
Is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."

Is this one for the people? Is this one for the Lord?
Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford?
You can jumble them together, my conflict still remains
Holiness is calling, in the midst of courting fame
Cause I see the trust in their eyes
Though the sky is falling
They need Your love in their lives
Compromise is calling

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?

Father please forgive me for I can not compose
The fear that lives within me
Or the rate at which it grows
If struggle has a purpose on the narrow road you've carved
Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar
Do they see the fear in my eyes? Are they so revealing?
This time I cannot disguise all the doubt I'm feeling

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

What if I stumble?
Everyone's got to crawl when you know that
You're up against a wall, it's about to fall
Everyone's got to crawl when you know that


My biggest fear is not lifelong singleness (and saving my first kiss for nothing), not losing my job, not poverty or persecution.

My biggest fear is that I will stumble and miss out on God's best as a consequence.
That I will fall and drag others down with me.

Another day of emoness, salty coffee and wads of used kleenex. Sigh...
Slow by slow...

Jordan the dreamer recently replied to one of my posts:
my concept of eternal life is that it is not something that we wait for but something that is already here and now and there inside our hearts... "eternity is planted in hearts" -ecclesiastes this way... there's no concept of toiling... no concept of waiting... no concept of lacking... but all about believing in the amazing and bodaciously extravagant now!!!

And that got me thinking (or rather overthinking, as usual):

I remember talking to a student at IGSL who used to be not just a Tibetan monk, but a scribe to the Dalai Lama. Athough he's a Christian now, because of his years of Buddhist training, he lives very much in the NOW, not thinking too much about the future or dwelling on the past. Wish I could too.

It's early days into my shrinkage. We're focusing on tracing histories and seeing how damage received in the past still affects the way we see the world and how we live in it. Even on a simpler level, looking back at some events, conversations, encounters during the last couple of weeks, I slap my forehead and wish I could have spoken or behaved differently.

And then there's looking forward to.. stuff. Sometimes I wonder if we cheat ourselves of enjoying "right now" for the sake of delayed gratification, a phrase and principle my father instilled in me when I was seven over a P20 pencil case. Sure, we're supposed to live everyday in the light of eternity, but perhaps some of us are overdoing it: Tightening our belts in anticipation for tomorrow's buffet, not knowing we won't be able to go at all.

I'm loving current season of being exactly where God wants me to be, of enjoying His presence and His blessings, and of... "becoming." Still, I realize I sometimes miss out on right now while I ponder (more like daydream) upon the future. To 4 months from now to be precise.
When I will be well-shrunk (as in the past tense of "to shrink") and hopefully a few pounds lighter in my heart (and in my hips din sana! LoL).
When I will be free from my prohibition from major life decisions. Although by then I doubt the decision I want to make will still be available for the making, but that's a whole other can of worms.
When I will be a more peaceful, patient, compassionate, and loving person. Sana nga. Sigh... As much as I love Peter (he rocks!) I wish he hadn't written this: Instead, [beauty] should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. (1 Peter 3:4 NIV) Ouch. In Bisaya, "Agay."

It's all about BECOMING. My favorite French philosophe Gabriel Marcel wrote that we are "homo viator," man on the way, or a person in the process of becoming... But what are we becoming?
We Christians are called to become like Christ. Wow.

None of us are "there" yet, and in the meantime there's a divine discontentment driving us,  it keeps us pressing on towards the finish line and the prize to which we have been called. The tough part is finding the balance of being content whatever the circumstance while not being so comfortable that we just sit and stagnate. We need to keep up our momentum, keep growing upwards and onwards, from glory to glory, strength to strength, faith to faith, to infinity and beyond!

And while doing all that, we (I'm talking to you, Ror) need to live each moment to the fullest, sucking the marrow out of life, and not missing out on the joys of today, of right now!
For His mercies are new every morning!!! We won't ever run out!

Just a taste of the pep talk I give myself every morning. Ang saya!

when you have ADHD
        and thumbs that hate to twiddle
                        the hardest thing to do
                                    is to just sit still and

                                                                        w a i t

                                                                                    when all you want to do
                                                                                                is grab the steering wheel
                                                                                                         even if you have no idea how to drive...

But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31 NCV)

Kung Fu Panda key phrase: "illusion of control."

Truth Thursday is over, now it's the wee hours of Fragile Friday. Haha...
For years I've been saying, "you don't have to fall down a cliff to know that it hurts to hit bottom."

Twin told me earlier that "Unless you try falling off a cliff, you'll never find out if you can actually fly."
God's glory needs to be displayed in my life. That means I need to get over these fears which are rational and very real, but are hindering me from living the most out of each day because I'm so scared that bad things will happen to me. So like Twin reminded me, when bad things don't happen after all, I can't be sure if it's God protecting me, or it's me protecting myself, maneuvering out of risky situations using my own strength. Again.

But, Lord, so many people are watching! Not that I care what you think of me (okay, maybe I do a little), but I don't want to be a stumbling block to anyone. Specially as my parents have been showing me off me to other parents struggling with their respective bratlets as an example of a problem child in the past doing great now, 100% glory to God.

And everyone knows I've been... waiting.

Sigh.

I've always valued purity. I've lived passionately for purity since I was 16 and it -- or at least the theoretical, abstract and idealized concept -- has kept me safe and "whole" (a bit bruised but nonetheless unbroken) up to now.

But then I just remembered that purity is not what you do or don't do. IT'S WHO YOU ARE when you dwell in Christ, because He makes you so. I just need to keep my eyes on Jesus, the purest one of all. I have given him my very best, as best I understand it. And I can TRUST Him to protect my testimony, if I stay sensitive and in tune with Him. Because it's His name tattooed on my life and my heart and my everything. Wisdom is key.

So I'm growing up... slowly, but surely. And certainly a LOT since April. Thailand was a good vision trip...

And so like the rest of the fellow pilgrims on the road to paradise, I resolve that I'm going to keep going and living passionately AND TO THE FULLEST for what God has for me. Aware of the danger but in faith that God will pull through for me and His will and His glory will be displayed. It will probably be clumsy, NOT pretty, but always honestly and intensely. No games, no fakery, no subterfuge. I couldn't pull it off anyway, even if I tried. My everything gives me away.

This is so not by the book...
That's okay. I'll write another one.

A little note to girls everywhere:
Remember that you are a PRINCESS. You are worth waiting for, fighting for, growing up for, becoming a better man for. Don't allow any guy to treat you as if you are less. Our Daddy in Heaven can whoop his ass good. (Yes, Lord, smite him and bring him to his knees!!! Bwahahhaha!!!)

Cue Veggie Tales music:
And so what what we have learned applies to our lives today
And God has a lot to say, in His Book...
You see we know that God's Word is for everyone
And now that our song is done
We'll take a look

Haha...
Conference is over and I am once again in my Limbo, este Bangkok Airport. Waiting.
Yes, I am perpetually waiting... <Sigh!>
Enough angst.

COFM08 was so much fun and I've learned so much. Actually, everything I asked God to teach/show me, He has. I came to the conference knowing only 2 people and now I think I've been able to have a conversation with at least 3/4 of the people there. I think it's really only in multicultural Christian crowds where I can let my neon light shine. I'm more careful around everyone else, they're so easy to offend.

Anyway, I don't know how much I can elaborate about what I've learned: a lot about my compassion (and extreme need of more!), but I don't really know how to explain that... He's confirmed my call to faraway lands, just wonder when that's gonna be.

And as I've been saying, he's confirmed my feminine side. Let's just say twitterpation is getting harder to hold at bay, and I'm trying to keep my walls lowered. The moat is drained. But the dragon is still inside. She's a bit too hard to tame right now.

I finally made it to on the plane to Chiang Rai. After checking in (super bangag mode) went to my assigned gate. Tried to get settled, dozed off, then got woken up by airport personnel and evicted. Apparently, you have to go to the gate right before boarding, which kinda sucks.

So relocated to the benches just outside the gate and tried to snooze... not very successfully. When I woke up, a English senior was sitting next to me reading a paper. He spoke Thai and helped me figure out where I was supposed to be. Turns out there's a reason I was evicted. My flight ended up being assigned another gate... which also happened with my Cebu Pacific flight. Anyway, because I'm me,  I struck up a conversation.

Ooohboy. Didn't take us long to establish that I'm a Christian and into missions, and he was violently against any missionary attempts to convert Thai buddhists, and especially against American evangelical charismatic groups. As our discusson progressed, I kept my cool (partly because I was so sleepy) and just tried graciously to explain why I as a Christian actually practice the Great Comission.
I actually agree with him about a lot of things, about how "weird" some sects really are, and about how annoying it is that a lot of "Christians" are rnothing more than posers talk the talk and think they're so holy, but really they're not. As I like to say: just because you sit in a garage and wear a ferrari sticker on your forehead doesn't make you a car.

But that's a whole other blog post about why I can be a Christian and still wear my spikes and be a happy emo!

Again, my twits said it all:
"On plane, spoke w/ an old Brit expat environmental chemistry professor antpathic against evangelistic missionaries. I discussed graciously. And this was me trying to be gentle, gracious and a good testimony on bangag mode. Talk about being thrown into the deep end. God is funny.. "

And God really does have a sense of humor, and that meeting with the 69-year old British academic was my first REAL experience to DO apologetics, one of my long-term passions and obsessions. When you ask God to use you, you better be sure you know what you're doing!

When the plane landed, we parted ways. Nothing was resolved, but we didn't really expect it to be. Before my mangling and restoration experience, this conversation would have left me discouraged and even more cynical. But from where I stand now, it's funny that an encounter with a skepic has reminded me of how real God has shown Himself to be in my life. It's just a pity that this man was so closed that anything I would say (very diplomatically and politely!) about authentic Christianity was met with a condescending "Sure, sure."

I was reminded of why I'm here in Chiang Rai. It's not about imposing a religion (which I think is wrong). It's not even about transforming a culture. As I kept telling that professor, it's all about encountering Jesus Christ.

I resolve to know nothing except Jesus Christ and him crucified. (1Cor2:2)
The truth is that Jesus, the Son of God, gave up Heaven to live on earth as one of us. Lived a perfect life and lifted it up to God as an offering on the cross. He gave up his life to pay the penalty of our sin. And death could not hold him, He rose again. The good news of the Cross gives me and all others who receive it power to live lives of freedom and victory.

That's all I need to know. That's all there is to know.

As promised, this next update is being blogged from Bangkok Airport, where it turns out i WON'T be spending 11 hours. Because of Cebu Pacific's infamous lateness, that time will be shorter.

Oh well, at least I was able to meet new people from YWAM. As I was speaking to these much more mature workers, and listening to how God has worked in very different, but nonetheless very powerful ways in their lives, I realized how this trip could really be a turning point for me. I mean, I'm living the dream, baybeh. Independent woman, dream job, dream bachelorette pad, I really can't imagine it can get better than this.

But it can! (And no, I don't mean I need a man, because I don't.)
Because God is the God of the INFINITE! Meaning it just keeps getting better!
From glory to glory, from strength to strength, to infinity and beyond!!!

So I was pondering these things in my seat on the plane when we finally boarded. We even had to relocate from Gate 3 to Gate 15... Haaay NAIA. Good thing my ADHD tendencies prevent me from ever getting bored. Weird noh?

The girl in front of me in the line as we were boarding was my seatmate (I saw her seat was 22E, I was 22F. Yes, Leo's Byakugan and Allen's Sharingan are somehow rubbing off on me) so I said "Hi!" Once we got settled in our seats, turns out she, Sheila, was with Hot Legs, a Filipino dance company I actually knew about because one of the women in my small group is also a dancer. Turns out that our common dancer friend (Twinkle) was actually subbing for Sheila while she was going on holiday in Bangkok.
God does not play dice, and we DID pray for divine appointements, so !pt to God!

Ayun, because we left late, most of the othe passengers were trying to sleep so I tried to nap as well. No such luck. So instead I prayed about the trip and committed to the work I know by faith God is going to work in me.

And as I was having my own worship service in my seat thanks to my beloved walkman and looking out the window (I got a window seat!!!) at the clear night sky, I saw a falling star. It fell exactly in front of me, and I just knew.

I've been praying for a very critical something to be planted in my heart, and I believe He's going to bring Breakthrough this week. (And again, no, it's not a man.)

So expect more exciting updates!

In the meantime, I have to refine my talk, prepare my slides and maybe even handouts. I'm in Starbucks, and my twit says it all:
"I'm in Starbucks BKK Airport. My chipipay estudiante d'Katipunan technique works here too! I go a quiche, hot water & used my baon Tazo tea!"
Harang naman kasi talaga ang mga airport prices, but I will keep ordering "real" stuff because I'd feel guilty otherwise. LoL.

<--- She looks soooo tired.

It's been a LONG day, a long week even, but thankfully it's almost done. For the first time in so long, I am able to sit down and blog.

I am someone who can't sit still. I probably had undiagnosed ADHD, but by God's grace, I still turned out "ok". Not normal (perish the thought!) but... functional.

Anyway, I'm off to Thailand for a YWAM conference, and I'm so excited to be energized to be a bringer of the Evangelion!!! (Did any of you understand that?)

Basta...

So I'm in the Naia lounge, waiting for my plane to start boarding.

        FREE WIFI IN NAIA!!!
                    WHO'D HAVE THUNK!?

And to meet up with some new friends from YWAM, who I've never met before, but who are on the same flight as me from Manila to Bangkok.

Will be boarding any minute now.

My next post will be from Bangkok Airport, where I will be spending 11 glorious hours, hopefully solitary. ^______^

I can only rock the planet because I stand on the Rock of ages. ROAR!!!

I just wanted to update you on life here in Manila. Well, let's just say I've found the reason for the past 5/6 years of my life!

Brief Recap: My four years studying Information Systems in Ateneo were not the best for me. I did pretty well but I always felt like I was supposed to be doing something else (ie. something more artsy). And then after three years of praying and planning for my year in France, on the last minute my scholarship got cut. So I was pretty gutted. So then I took off for my first vacation in 5 years, then when I got back to Manila I fixed up my resume and portfolio (check it out!) and applied to multinational ad agencies, as Art Director of Mabuhay Magazine, (Phil Airlines' inflight mag), and other random design jobs I found online.

So anyway, my first interview was with Mabuhay Mag and it was very promising, and the environment was good and the travel opportunity was... tempting. So I did a "design audition with them." And I really wanted to join them. But at the same time this US-based web design company got back to me about a web design position so I visited them. Cambria is as old as I am (since 1984) and their reputation is so solid they don't even have to look for clients, and they can charge pretty much anything. Basically it's a solid company. They were really nice and they were very impressed with my portfolio and skillset. So anyway, on my third interview, Mike (the American guy heading the Manila office) told me that he'd been telling US office about me and they were considering me for project management as well, especially as the Manila office seemed to be self-sufficient, he might be spending more time in the States and would need someone in Manila to make sure the projects were handled by the right team, etc.
 
Basically, it's exactly what I envision myself doing (project management + art direction) in animation in the long-term. And while I had always planned on learning this in grad school, now I'm gonna have the opportunity to learn it on the job, which is a lot better! And I realized that the past 5 years had prepared me for this job: my MIS degree means I won't get lost in all the web programming jargon and my passion for Art means I will be able to do web design and art direction well, and  even my non-France trip meant that I was able to practice project management in print (it was a year-long crash course in everything from dealing with clients, to concept development, to juggling multiple projects, to delivering a quality finished product). So anyway, the whole time I thought I was so off track from the path I thought I was supposed to be on, God was actually taking me on a shortcut!

So anyway, it was a perfect fit! And the work environment is really nice, the Manila office is very young, but the team is made of the best in their respective fields, and the atmosphere is very relaxed and comfortable, and the company is very employee-centered. And basically Cambria wanted me on so bad that they were willing to offer me anything, so I think I ended up with a pretty good package (understatement of the year!). So God is just amazing! I've spent the past weekend just marvelling at how BIG AND AWESOME He is, truly His ways are higher than our ways. I mean the job I'm taking on only opened up after my 2nd interview, so the timing was just PERFECT! What's more is that I'm only 22! My heart's desire is really to learn as much as I can while I'm single, because I know when Psalm1 comes along the corner, all my plans will fly out the window. (Yes, I do want the mush so badly, that's why I can't have it right now. Children, it's called delayed gratification...)

I'm just really happy because for the first time ever, I know that I'm at the center of God's will. I'm just glad I obeyed my parents, or I wouldn't have had this opportunity.

So I said YES to Cambria corporation and I'm very excited to start work on the 1st of October. I'm hoping to move to Makati by November, so just looking for places to stay now.

And there... God's been amazing and I'm sure that I'm gonna enjoy this next chapter of my life. :-) Yun lang po...