"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today
Is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."

Is this one for the people? Is this one for the Lord?
Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford?
You can jumble them together, my conflict still remains
Holiness is calling, in the midst of courting fame
Cause I see the trust in their eyes
Though the sky is falling
They need Your love in their lives
Compromise is calling

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?

Father please forgive me for I can not compose
The fear that lives within me
Or the rate at which it grows
If struggle has a purpose on the narrow road you've carved
Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar
Do they see the fear in my eyes? Are they so revealing?
This time I cannot disguise all the doubt I'm feeling

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

What if I stumble?
Everyone's got to crawl when you know that
You're up against a wall, it's about to fall
Everyone's got to crawl when you know that


My biggest fear is not lifelong singleness (and saving my first kiss for nothing), not losing my job, not poverty or persecution.

My biggest fear is that I will stumble and miss out on God's best as a consequence.
That I will fall and drag others down with me.

Another day of emoness, salty coffee and wads of used kleenex. Sigh...
Slow by slow...

Jordan the dreamer recently replied to one of my posts:
my concept of eternal life is that it is not something that we wait for but something that is already here and now and there inside our hearts... "eternity is planted in hearts" -ecclesiastes this way... there's no concept of toiling... no concept of waiting... no concept of lacking... but all about believing in the amazing and bodaciously extravagant now!!!

And that got me thinking (or rather overthinking, as usual):

I remember talking to a student at IGSL who used to be not just a Tibetan monk, but a scribe to the Dalai Lama. Athough he's a Christian now, because of his years of Buddhist training, he lives very much in the NOW, not thinking too much about the future or dwelling on the past. Wish I could too.

It's early days into my shrinkage. We're focusing on tracing histories and seeing how damage received in the past still affects the way we see the world and how we live in it. Even on a simpler level, looking back at some events, conversations, encounters during the last couple of weeks, I slap my forehead and wish I could have spoken or behaved differently.

And then there's looking forward to.. stuff. Sometimes I wonder if we cheat ourselves of enjoying "right now" for the sake of delayed gratification, a phrase and principle my father instilled in me when I was seven over a P20 pencil case. Sure, we're supposed to live everyday in the light of eternity, but perhaps some of us are overdoing it: Tightening our belts in anticipation for tomorrow's buffet, not knowing we won't be able to go at all.

I'm loving current season of being exactly where God wants me to be, of enjoying His presence and His blessings, and of... "becoming." Still, I realize I sometimes miss out on right now while I ponder (more like daydream) upon the future. To 4 months from now to be precise.
When I will be well-shrunk (as in the past tense of "to shrink") and hopefully a few pounds lighter in my heart (and in my hips din sana! LoL).
When I will be free from my prohibition from major life decisions. Although by then I doubt the decision I want to make will still be available for the making, but that's a whole other can of worms.
When I will be a more peaceful, patient, compassionate, and loving person. Sana nga. Sigh... As much as I love Peter (he rocks!) I wish he hadn't written this: Instead, [beauty] should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. (1 Peter 3:4 NIV) Ouch. In Bisaya, "Agay."

It's all about BECOMING. My favorite French philosophe Gabriel Marcel wrote that we are "homo viator," man on the way, or a person in the process of becoming... But what are we becoming?
We Christians are called to become like Christ. Wow.

None of us are "there" yet, and in the meantime there's a divine discontentment driving us,  it keeps us pressing on towards the finish line and the prize to which we have been called. The tough part is finding the balance of being content whatever the circumstance while not being so comfortable that we just sit and stagnate. We need to keep up our momentum, keep growing upwards and onwards, from glory to glory, strength to strength, faith to faith, to infinity and beyond!

And while doing all that, we (I'm talking to you, Ror) need to live each moment to the fullest, sucking the marrow out of life, and not missing out on the joys of today, of right now!
For His mercies are new every morning!!! We won't ever run out!

Just a taste of the pep talk I give myself every morning. Ang saya!

I don't like emo music, so these are a sample of the most emo stuff i have.
Which is not too emo. Hopefully. LoL

Friday night, single but not dateless! LoL. I just got back from a great dinner/coffee night out with a guy I've been friends with since sophomore year (more or less) in Ateneo. I remember the first time I met him: I was gobsmacked that this guy (who is "not a metrosexual") was so secure in his masculinity that he had his nails painted (clear polish lang naman) by, Allen, who is now the third arm of our KKB trio. (Miss you Allen-girl!)

Tonight I went sans makeup, wore a white top (which adds 10lbs instantly), my hair was acting weird (not in a good way) and it was okay. I didn't have to worry that my laugh was too brash or my smile too wide. It helps to know that even at my best I'm not his type, and he's not mine either, so that takes out the whole chemistry thing out of the equation.

It's just so refreshing to be able to turn off my mind/mouth filter and just spill out my guts, in all their mushy/angsty/gory glory, and be secure that he'll still talk to me tomorrow. Hahaha.

And he turns on that Rory-can-only-parse-PG-content-so-no-green-jokes-muna filter for me.

I totally respect him. For being excellent professionally, for his innate streetwise supersense, for  being a good social analyst (for those moments I wish I could be more suwabe so I ask him to assess and advise). I can trust him to tell me the truth, even if I may not like it.
Like: "Dude, ang dungis mo nanaman." LoL.

And he sticks up for me.
Yes, I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself, but there are just some places, social situations, I can't go into and he goes there. And I didn't even have to ask.

Sigh. ^__________^

So to all the other guys out there who are genuine friends to girls, with no hidden agendas,
three cheers for you! We could do with more friends like you!

And Leo, I know you read this (you stalker you!) so here's some more wavy arms and buckets of "affection affection affection!!!" going out from me to you. Micci, you got a good guy here. :D

PS - Dude, you still owe me chocolate! LoL

Twin practically shoved the book "Love, Stargirl" onto my lap, so I read. And, as predicted, I liked.

She already paraphrased the best part so I won't try to improve on greatness. Here it is:

Dear You,

I’m not going to ask you where you are now. I’m not going to be impatient. This season, I will inhabit one day at a time. I will sail into the future on mystery’s wings and I will not look back. I have been too much like the man who asks, “Are you looking for me?” Our hearts yearn backward. We long to be found, hoping our searchers have not given up and gone home. But I no longer hope to be found. Do not follow me! Let’s just be fabulously where we are and who we are. You be you and I’ll be me, today and today and today, and let’s trust the future to tomorrow. Let the stars keep track of us. Let us ride our own orbits and trust that they will meet. May our reunion be not a finding but a sweet collision of destinies!

Until that time you can call me yours, I remain,
*Me*

(Lifted and adapted by Stef from the last paragraph of Jerry Spinelli’s Love, Stargirl)

I SO get that right now. The flutterbyes might have to go into stasis again.
We'll just have to wait and see.

Truth Thursday is over, now it's the wee hours of Fragile Friday. Haha...
For years I've been saying, "you don't have to fall down a cliff to know that it hurts to hit bottom."

Twin told me earlier that "Unless you try falling off a cliff, you'll never find out if you can actually fly."
God's glory needs to be displayed in my life. That means I need to get over these fears which are rational and very real, but are hindering me from living the most out of each day because I'm so scared that bad things will happen to me. So like Twin reminded me, when bad things don't happen after all, I can't be sure if it's God protecting me, or it's me protecting myself, maneuvering out of risky situations using my own strength. Again.

But, Lord, so many people are watching! Not that I care what you think of me (okay, maybe I do a little), but I don't want to be a stumbling block to anyone. Specially as my parents have been showing me off me to other parents struggling with their respective bratlets as an example of a problem child in the past doing great now, 100% glory to God.

And everyone knows I've been... waiting.

Sigh.

I've always valued purity. I've lived passionately for purity since I was 16 and it -- or at least the theoretical, abstract and idealized concept -- has kept me safe and "whole" (a bit bruised but nonetheless unbroken) up to now.

But then I just remembered that purity is not what you do or don't do. IT'S WHO YOU ARE when you dwell in Christ, because He makes you so. I just need to keep my eyes on Jesus, the purest one of all. I have given him my very best, as best I understand it. And I can TRUST Him to protect my testimony, if I stay sensitive and in tune with Him. Because it's His name tattooed on my life and my heart and my everything. Wisdom is key.

So I'm growing up... slowly, but surely. And certainly a LOT since April. Thailand was a good vision trip...

And so like the rest of the fellow pilgrims on the road to paradise, I resolve that I'm going to keep going and living passionately AND TO THE FULLEST for what God has for me. Aware of the danger but in faith that God will pull through for me and His will and His glory will be displayed. It will probably be clumsy, NOT pretty, but always honestly and intensely. No games, no fakery, no subterfuge. I couldn't pull it off anyway, even if I tried. My everything gives me away.

This is so not by the book...
That's okay. I'll write another one.

A little note to girls everywhere:
Remember that you are a PRINCESS. You are worth waiting for, fighting for, growing up for, becoming a better man for. Don't allow any guy to treat you as if you are less. Our Daddy in Heaven can whoop his ass good. (Yes, Lord, smite him and bring him to his knees!!! Bwahahhaha!!!)

I worry that I'm too much, that I'm not enough.

I worry that I won't get enough sleep tonight (this morning?)

I worry that I'm developing yet another addiction I'll have to go cold-turkey on come Monday.

I worry that I've missed the train of God's best life for me.

I worry that I'll try to take control of my life again today instead of letting go and letting God.

I worry that God won't flex His muscles for me today because there's a lesson that needs learning, and He needs to let me get mangled. Again.

I worry about disappointing my parents, of not being an older sister my siblings can look up to, of being a disgrace to "the family name" (common as it is)

I worry I don't let my light shine bright enough.

I worry that one day I'll way up and realize I've become NORMAL. Ugh.

I worry that I shall hog the spotlight. Again.

I worry that I'll run the race, trip, and fall flat on my face. And die before I can get back up.

I worry that while I chat happily away, he's not captivated by my beauty, brilliance, or eloquence, but rather the bit of salad stuck between my front teeth.

I worry that when I tear up my mascara will run.

I worry that this sem, I can't meet with the girls because of conflicting scheds. Again.

I worry that I'll forget to wear sunscreen before I go out. Or worse, deodorant.

I worry that while I'm away at work, a fire starts in my flat and my worldly treasures are reduced to ashes. And I lose "The Book," both editions.

I worry that I'll fall first.

I worry that he won't listen to Him.

I worry that he won't recognize me.

I worry that I'll be too much, that I won't be enough.

Truth Thursdays. It's never too late to let the truth set you free.

I want my man like I want my coffee: Strong, Intense, Full-bodied. ^____^

My "coffee=love list" basically just spins off from those three things. I have several more but as I was listing them down they were either redundant or would require explanations only a pedant would appreciate. That phrase is fun, funny and true, and it's one of the many things twin and I have in common.

Now there are wishlists, which can be looong and unrealistic (kaya nga wish lang sha) and there are non-negotiable absolutes. I had a talk with my dad about my non-negotiables recently. We narrowed it down to 3. ^_^

I've been hemming and hawing about actually publishing this. But my friends have been pestering me to get it online, so might as well get on with it. I mean, Jen, my beloved sister in Christ, discipler at one point, and now bride on whom I will serve in my capacity as maid of honor (made of horror more like) come February next year, posted her "list" in her old xanga blog (remember xanga?) a few years back. Her fiance, Leo, read it even before they met face to face. I have to ask him what he thought then, but knowing him now I can safely say that he fulfills the criteria very well. And now they're getting married!!!

So what have I got to lose right? Bwahahah.

Anyway here are the big three:

1. His life mission/vision statement is: "To live in God's presence and to live out His purpose" (or something along those lines. The point is not the wording, it's the living)
2. Communication - We use the same sort of language, keep up with each other's tangent thoughts, get each other's jokes (yes the ones no one else appreciates. and for the record, i'm not corny, my jokes have hidden depth that only the most gifted of people appreciate!!!)
3. His calling is not incompatible to mine. Partnering with each other wouldn't make sense otherwise, right?

As for my wishlist (under serious R&D since 2000), I'll keep it to myself for now. It's hidden away somewhere safe. ^_^
One all-encompassing word though: SOLID.

Dominic Purcell, if you're reading this, I'll consider tweaking the list for you! ROFL

...this stupid smile.

I have a longstanding tradition of killing crushes. No, not murdering the person, but stopping the feelings. For those who have encountered me, I’m a very INTENSE person. I like how Josh Bautista put it: “You’re not a person, you’re an experience.” The point is that these crushes are always intense and always one-sided.

When I was 16 I read “I kissed Dating goodbye,” and I resolved to quit the lifelong crushing habit: I meet a great, attractive guy, remind myself that I’m waiting, and thus look for holes in this dreamboat’s dreaminess that will disqualify him from the-one-ness. Because I have a specific list, it’s usually not hard.

Last year I said, “God, I’m tired. I’m tired of protecting myself and being my own defender. I’m tired and I’m worn out, so will You defend me instead?”

Earlier this year, after my dad said that being open to a relationship isn’t something you just turn on or off, I updated my prayer: “God, I’m defenseless. My walls are down, the drawbridge is lowered, the moat is drained, the spikes are hidden away and the dragon is sleeping. You better stand up for me, Lord!”

All has been well. God has been killing crushes for me left and right: I meet a great, attractive guy, tell God that I’m waiting so will He please do something about this crush, and the next day I find out this guy is engaged and off the proverbial market, and the feelings disappear. Other times because of other factors, the crush just dies a natural death.

Until now. Duggurnit. When I think about it I know that it just can' be "him" because it wouldn't make sense, but when he's in front of me, out comes that stupid smile that I can’t wipe of my goofy face. I have to consciously remind myself to turn it off. And breathe. I go to the bathroom and say to my reflection, “Cut it out, you sap! Think emo thoughts! Emo thoughts!”

That stupid smile refuses to hide in the corner. My twin told me to enjoy it or suffer…
My thorn in the flesh is a row of teeth, hopefully without green bits stuck in between them.

I don’t want to fall first.

truth thursday. check it out.

"So it is like how, babies are made?" said Daft Wullie.

"No, 'cuz even beasties know that but only people know aboot Romancin'," said Rob. "When a bull coo meets a lady coo, he disna have tae say 'My heart goes bang-bang-bang when I see your wee face,' cuz it's kinda built intae their heads. People have it more difficult. Romancin' is verra important, ye ken. Basically it's a way the boy can get close to the girl wi'oot her attackin' him and scratchin' his eyes oot."

I love Terry Pratchett... His words pick out all the feelings in me that I dry out by overanalysis and they and put a fresh and funny spin on them.  Sigh... *B* has to do that too!!! <mushmushmush>
Went to the NY Great Neck library today, it was beeeeyoooootiful. I'm on my 2nd Terry book of the day, I think I'll finish my fourth by tomorrow night!!!
<Cue music: Reunited and it feels so goood....>