If I owned my walls ( instead of just renting, as I do currently ),
they'd be covered with doodles and drawings and scribbles of...

1. All the things I'm thankful for, so if I'm about to go all emo, I just look at the wall and cheer up, because I'm just so blessed!
2. Biblical Promises to encourage, strengthen and motivate! It'll also be useful for hiding the Word in my heart (my memorization skills are pathetic)
3. My intercession list. The names of people I pray for. The secret to joy is to take the focus off yourself. He who refreshes others will himself be refreshed! ( I actually have a prayer wall already, but with post-its)
4. My hopes, dreams, desires. In really small handwriting because they're so many of them! I lift them all up to God, and I know that if I delight myself in Him, He will satisfy the desires of my heart with good things. Wheeee!!! Exciting!!!
   

Four Walls lang naman right?

On the ceiling I'll write the name of [....] Bwahahahahha!!!


Then again, none of us girls would mind having one of these leaning against our wall -->
( Yes, I posted this doodle "just because." He's a character from this funny little epic I wrote when I was 16. As you can see, back then my "type" was tall and lanky. Lmao )


Truth Thursday. Let the Truth set you Free.

Today was the ultimate bloggable day, so due to popular demand [i wish] here's another blow by blow rundown...

... 2:00am - Evicted. (LoL) Got carried away again sharing caffeine and geekiness. And soft batch cookies. Mmmm... I heart kopiroti.
2:20 - Back to work. "Just whistle while you work"
6:00 - Get to flat. Ring doorbell, Cousin Joy has my key. Good thing she was up already, and was actually wondering why I hadn't made it in yet.
6:30 - Bonding over breakfast. Learning a lot about the other side of my family... This is when I usually take my pre-counselling nap. Not today. Oh well, family and love come first.
8:30 - Twit : "On n0rth train 2 meet jen. 0 sleep, the z's hit me at 7am,when i had 2 get ready. Long EGR day. God is big enough!"
8:45 - Call Jen from Cubao Station, we're supposed to meet at GMA Kamuning stop. Find out she's sitting on the bench on the end of the train.
8:50 - GMA Kamuning station. No Jen on the benches! Train doors close, look for her in the car... Still no Jen
8:53 - Call Jen. "Where are you?" Miscommunication has ensued. She thought I was going out to meet her at the station, I thought she was going on the train. Plus she said she was at the end of the train. The train has TWO ends, we were at opposite ones. Jen says "Stay on Quezon Ave! Meet me on the end of the train, the mixed side"
9:00 - Get on the next train, Jen's there, keys in hand. 100% unedited gushing and sisterly affectioning while sitting side by side on round trip past North Ave to Quezon Ave. This is my stop.
9:10 - Triked to Campus Crusade National Office for group counselling session. First one there. Take the back door, the N.O. is supposed to be closed today, almost all the missionaries are at a retreat. Go up back stairs. Door is locked. Go down stairs, go up main stairs. Door is locked. Go to guard to go "M'aidez?" Go back up back stairs. Test door. It really is locked. Get phone out to call Counselor. 1 message in inbox. "Pls knock on the 2nd flr door so i wl open for u". D'oh! Knocked and OPEN SESAME. Nice.
9:15 - Set up in the counselling room. While peeps aren't here yet, will finish inking my illustrations. Look for coffee... Coffee maker is there but where's the pot? Counselor goes out to look for it. It's nowhere to be found! Am just about able to refrain from sobbing.
10:00 - We're supposed to start now, but the other counselees aren't here yet, just me and the 2 facilitators. Oh well. Still no coffee. *Heavy sigh* We start with the "How are you?."
I gush: I am greatness today. My lovetank is full and so this hormone-induced emotional rollercoaster is currently taking me up up up and away.
10:15 - We are a complete group. Session starts in earnest.
11:50 - As Counselee#3 is wrapping up, my eyes droop and I realize just how much I needed that morning coffee. Startled awake by the question "So what did you think?"
12:00nn - We're done. Trike to train station.
12:10 - Standing up on southbound train.
12:17 - Cubao station, free seat. Sat. Yay.  Twit: "after 12 post-midnight hrs sans coffee or sleep, am forced 2 recognize the value of each.. "
12:25 - Buendia station. Caught myself falling asleep, almost leaning on my seatmate's shoulder. Ohnoes... Buendia station na at least. Get off, jeep home.
12:26 - Yuck. Sitting next to sweaty man. Ewww... Wipe my arm. Set alarm on my phone, won't remember to do this later.
12:30 - Arrive at flat. Cousin Joy is lunching out, let myself in with Jen's key (yay!) Jammie time, sink to blissful sleep. 
4:00 - Doorbell rings. Let Joy in. Sink back to bed. Sleep.
4:30 - Alarm rings. Force myself awake. Lie on bed, willing myself awake. Not working. 
5:00 - Decide am in no state to go in to work yet. Take out sketches, inking will wake me up. It works!
6:58 - Twit: "finished my sketches, napped. now taking my cousin 2 swagat. Mmm.."
7:20 - Twit: "wow. Accidentally to0k the "scenic route" to swagat. shame.." My legendary sense of direction proves itself once again.
7:27 - Place our order at Swagat.
7:29 - Twit: "Eeek, forgot sumthng impt at my flat going back 2 get it. Sleeplessness = not go0d."
7:45 - Back in my place. Pick up the inked stuff due for scanning. Slaps own forehead. D'uh!
8:00 - Just walked in, am sweaty in Swagat. Twit: "phew! 2day is such a bloggable day.. And so i will." Start the chow down.
8:20 - Ken drops by to pick up sketchies, stays to chat.
10:10 - Wow, how time flies!
10:30 - Arrive at the office, get pulled into a meeting with company president and the new part-time sales girl. Hear new angles to the story of how Cambria started, plus how Dick met his wife. ^_^
10:57 - Twit: "just got in the office and i can't even get away from his name.."
11:00 - Just whistle while you work...

3 wishes

I wish I could store this day in bubble wrap or immortalize it in a music video, in a webcomic, in an animated short... a blog entry will do for now.

I wish I could see everyone the way I see you, in the light of Psalm 139 and God's promise, plan and design.

I wish I could have 3 more wishes.

Truth Thursday. Let the truth set you free.

I want to do be able to touch my toes.

I want to live in France for a season.

I want to complete my CS Lewis and Terry Pratchett collections.

I want to get a real bear hug.

I want to be pleasantly surprised.

I want to grow better, not just older

I want to get rid of this albatross hanging from my neck.
I don't even know where it came from or how it died. Did I kill it?

I want to cease the subtle self-flagellation.

I want to enjoy the moment.
I want to stop anticipating failure, disappointment or yet another mangling.

I want to dream again.

I want to see that the world has become a better place because I lived.

I want to want God more.

I want to be more excited for the Word.
I want to live the Gospel, not just preach it.
I want to delight God, and recognize His smile.
I want to hear His voice more clearly.
I want to go to Heaven.

I want to shine.

I want to make peace with my reflection.

I want to shut up. And listen.

I want to be wanted.

I want to love you.


Truth Thursday. Let the truth set you free.

Like most girls, I have a "magical bag." My guy friends are constantly amazed at the wonders I can pull out of the tiniest purse, although these days I've taken to the larger bags which can carry my small-but-still-bulky-laptop.

My magical bag can carry a lot of things, let's have a rummage...

• My 3-minute kikay kit. Yes, I AM a girl.
• Keys to a place I can call my own. (Yay!)
• Ticket stubs to movies I've seen with people I love.
• A planner filled with rainchecks and coffee dates.
• Lots of lipbalm. In a pot. In a tube. In a stick.
• A journal full of letters to God. Cathartic entries of hope, lament, toxicity, mush, doodles, and secret things only Unconditional Love can handle.
  2 pages left, I'll use them up tonight.
• Kleenex tissue, for those "ouch" moments when God pokes His big finger into my life and says "I want THAT."
• Special band-aids (I get them from Thailand) for my frequent visits to klutzville. Now if only they had some for social blunders too...
• Stamps and postcards from places I want to revisit.
  
• Photos of a stranger with long hair and my face.
• A hand-written letter I shall add to the pile I have stashed away for hand-delivery in the not-too-distant future (i hope)

As magical as my bag is, it can't hold of the some things I've been carrying.

• My battle scars. Some I can wear with pride, others I'd rather hide.
• A head full of unanswerable questions.
• A heart loaded with... stuff. Some real, some imaginary, but they weigh me down all the same. (Veggietales' A Snoodle's Tale ring any bells? -- that made me cry)
  

This is the question God has been asking me lately: Do you trust Me?

And every single day I have to make the decision to say: "Yes."

So I let go of my everything, grab His hand and hang on for dear life, because His hands are big enough to hold me and everything I need and want and hope for.

Today I carry... a simple song:

I worry that I'm too much, that I'm not enough.

I worry that I won't get enough sleep tonight (this morning?)

I worry that I'm developing yet another addiction I'll have to go cold-turkey on come Monday.

I worry that I've missed the train of God's best life for me.

I worry that I'll try to take control of my life again today instead of letting go and letting God.

I worry that God won't flex His muscles for me today because there's a lesson that needs learning, and He needs to let me get mangled. Again.

I worry about disappointing my parents, of not being an older sister my siblings can look up to, of being a disgrace to "the family name" (common as it is)

I worry I don't let my light shine bright enough.

I worry that one day I'll way up and realize I've become NORMAL. Ugh.

I worry that I shall hog the spotlight. Again.

I worry that I'll run the race, trip, and fall flat on my face. And die before I can get back up.

I worry that while I chat happily away, he's not captivated by my beauty, brilliance, or eloquence, but rather the bit of salad stuck between my front teeth.

I worry that when I tear up my mascara will run.

I worry that this sem, I can't meet with the girls because of conflicting scheds. Again.

I worry that I'll forget to wear sunscreen before I go out. Or worse, deodorant.

I worry that while I'm away at work, a fire starts in my flat and my worldly treasures are reduced to ashes. And I lose "The Book," both editions.

I worry that I'll fall first.

I worry that he won't listen to Him.

I worry that he won't recognize me.

I worry that I'll be too much, that I won't be enough.

Truth Thursdays. It's never too late to let the truth set you free.

...this stupid smile.

I have a longstanding tradition of killing crushes. No, not murdering the person, but stopping the feelings. For those who have encountered me, I’m a very INTENSE person. I like how Josh Bautista put it: “You’re not a person, you’re an experience.” The point is that these crushes are always intense and always one-sided.

When I was 16 I read “I kissed Dating goodbye,” and I resolved to quit the lifelong crushing habit: I meet a great, attractive guy, remind myself that I’m waiting, and thus look for holes in this dreamboat’s dreaminess that will disqualify him from the-one-ness. Because I have a specific list, it’s usually not hard.

Last year I said, “God, I’m tired. I’m tired of protecting myself and being my own defender. I’m tired and I’m worn out, so will You defend me instead?”

Earlier this year, after my dad said that being open to a relationship isn’t something you just turn on or off, I updated my prayer: “God, I’m defenseless. My walls are down, the drawbridge is lowered, the moat is drained, the spikes are hidden away and the dragon is sleeping. You better stand up for me, Lord!”

All has been well. God has been killing crushes for me left and right: I meet a great, attractive guy, tell God that I’m waiting so will He please do something about this crush, and the next day I find out this guy is engaged and off the proverbial market, and the feelings disappear. Other times because of other factors, the crush just dies a natural death.

Until now. Duggurnit. When I think about it I know that it just can' be "him" because it wouldn't make sense, but when he's in front of me, out comes that stupid smile that I can’t wipe of my goofy face. I have to consciously remind myself to turn it off. And breathe. I go to the bathroom and say to my reflection, “Cut it out, you sap! Think emo thoughts! Emo thoughts!”

That stupid smile refuses to hide in the corner. My twin told me to enjoy it or suffer…
My thorn in the flesh is a row of teeth, hopefully without green bits stuck in between them.

I don’t want to fall first.

truth thursday. check it out.